Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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