I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
