How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
