chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
