Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
