Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
