I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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