I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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