i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
