I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
