Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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