Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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