I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The feeling are messing with the penis
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
