Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
