I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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