I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
