And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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