he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
