I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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