I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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