Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
