Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
