just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
