Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My penis needs a shock collar
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
