What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
