yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
