i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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