If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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