My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
