I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
