He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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