If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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