Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
