So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
