matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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