I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
