Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
