It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
