I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
