Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
