I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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