I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
