Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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