i love accidental penises.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
