Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
