using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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