the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
