just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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