Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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