I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
