I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
