Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
