Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
