And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want her autograph on my taint
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You're a waste of cheezeits
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
